The Decision that saved my Future

“Hi Everyone, My name is Kuajuan. For those who don’t know, I’m a self defense instructor at Elite Training Center in Redondo Beach. And I just want to say that I’m proud about what I do. I mean I love it to the depths of my soul. I get chills… I remember I was teaching a class one day and my spirit swelled. You know when you’re so emotional, you could feel the tingle in the back of your neck. We have this student, Luan. She’s this petite Asian woman, very quiet and timid, and she comes in everyday and do exactly as you ask. And you know when you’re new and your small, you hit small. I mean naturally, nothing wrong with it. But the beauty of being an instructor is to be fortunate enough to witness gradual growth on a consistent basis. Laun came in everyday; and everyday she got more technical, more fluent. She started walking in with more confidence in her demeanor. Like, you know when you look into somebody’s eyes and your like “hmmhm their sure about something”. I don’t know what it is, but they’re sure about it lol. I mean eventually she started hitting harder. Then one day she came in, and everything about being an instructor made sense. She was training. I was walking around; supporting, instructing, encouraging. All those things. And I walk past Laun as she was hitting the pads and I heard a little “ah, ah, ah”. And I paused, a little stunned. There was music playing and a lot a voices going off, and I heard it again “ah, ah, ah” and I noticed it was coming from Laun. Now it’s rare to hear students use their voices in basic classes as it is, but to hear it coming from Laun was awestrucking… I heard it again “ah, ah, ah” and my heart churned and my body lifted and I said “Laun!! I HEEEAAR YOU!” “LET’S GOOO!!!” and she amped it up and start hitting harder and louder. And to say I was proud was an understatement, I was filled with overwhelming joy. And I knew.. from that moment forward, that I was doing exactly what I was meant to do. And there was a point in my past where this moment was almost taken from me. Where I was literally desperate to keep my dreams alive, because I was looking into the mirror and everything I wanted for the future was fading away right in front of me.

Currently I train about 24 hours a week, about 4-7 hours a day on average, I can spar for hours and still have energy for the rest of my day. I can run up to 10 miles at a time and I’m competing with high level athletes. And I remember a time where I couldn’t even run a lap around the soccer field. I was 310lbs with dreams of moving like Bruce Lee, Michael Jai White, and Yip Man (Donny Yen). My idols from the martial art community. I’ve always loved martial arts. I was the kid who wanted to be a ninja, not only to do cool shit and flip kick people like a bad ass, but also they were experts when it came to disappearing on demand. And when you’re an introvert, overweight, and you have a stutter; there are times when you just want to disappear. But when it came to martial arts, I was all over it…. expect for when it was time for me to be all over it. I was all over it in theory. It was an interest, but my dream was to become a master, like Bruce Lee and Yip Man. Someone so proficient that he could effortlessly take on any opponent or any amount of opponents. Yet I was 310lbs subject to his own vices. As far as my athletic background, I played football in high school. Now before you start implanting great imagines, I played a total of 4 plays my entire varsity career. I played football, not because I wanted to. I played because I thought I was supposed to. I’ve been big all my life and all I’ve heard growing up was that I was going to be playing football. So much so, I didn’t even question it when I signed up in 8th grade. I was overweight and unathletic, and best part I believed that I was supposed to be unathletic. I didn’t move like other athletes. I was always the in the slow group, the weak group, and the unmotivated group. I didn’t question it. I wasn’t interested in football (and this was all my perspective, I was comparing myself to other athletes, but compared to my choir mates, I was the athlete). But what football gave me was the understanding of how to build a routine. I was at practice every day and I did everything they asked of me. I tried…. It just freakin sucked doing it lol. But I took that with me when I went off to college. All I needed was a gym and I subconsciously knew how to organize my workouts. And with ambitions to get my fitness together, I kept working out in while I was studying. And it was working, then it wasn’t, then it was, then it wasn’t. I would lose weight, then I would gain weight. I would be consistent with my workouts then I would fall off. And it wouldn’t be so dramatic under normal circumstances, but the University I went to has a buffet for a cafeteria. You know where I’m going with this. I was eating… Good. And it wasn’t a bad thing, but when you want to be a martial art master, it’s kind of counterproductive. And especially when you’re on the downswing of your routine, but yet you’re still eating like an “athlete”. I came in as a freshman at 280lbs, and by the time I was in my Junior year I was 310lbs.

All that work and I ended up gaining weight. During this time period, I was in multiple leadership organizations and I was one of the captains of the Orientation team. We usually have a leadership conference before the semester starts and they would always be powerful. Powerful enough to make you believe you were going to make a change, until a weeks later you realized you were back to your old habits. And this semester we had another conference and I’d just discovered I was 310lbs. I had just left a relationship and I was feeling pretty down. I was in a pretty reflective place, and by this time, I had been blessed to go to many conferences, some by chance, some I’ve presented at, one I was an hour of sleep in after a party night. And time after time, it was the same message. You have to want it and be disciplined. And I wanted it, but I was disciplined. And it left me to wonder if I really wanted it. I was going through this 3 day conference with that question in mind. Why couldn’t I make it work? I ended up making it worse. Why was it so hard to become who I wanted to become? And day after day, it ate at me. I was 20 years old and I felt like I wasted so much time to become great. That if I did what I was suppose to from the first conference, that I’d be that man by now. I felt like my spirit was weighed down by intense gravity. Like the pressure of greatness, who I knew I could become, was standing over me waiting to see if I was going to crack or not. Have you ever felt like you were meant for so much more, but you couldn’t do the right things to make it happen? Like your dreams are right in front of you, everything you’ve ever wanted, and no matter how far your stretch you couldn’t reach it? That’s how I was feeling at this point. Like my dreams were going to be consumed by my pattern of life. I felt like I had a moment with God and he said “Son, you could’ve helped a lot of people, if only you helped yourself first”. When the conference was over and the semester was about to start, I had a moment to myself. I was in my dorm room and it was night. I had just taken a shower and I was staring at myself in front of this steamy mirror. I wiped off the fog so I could see myself clearing. Leaning onto the counter, I looked myself dead in the eyes and I flashbacked to every instance where I had a chance to take all of my passions seriously. When my Grandpa gave me a learner keyboard when I was around eight. I also had a Guitar that my mom gave me and had plenty of time to practice. When I discovered when I wanted to be a rapper at 10 and write poetry. When I took Tai Kwon Do in 3rd grade and remember everything we did in that class, and every time I thought about practicing those moves all the way up until I took Kung Fu in college. When I did boxing in 7th grade. Every moment I had to myself in high school with a full studio set up. Having that same set up now and doing nothing with it. Tears started to come out of my eyes, and an intense emotion started to flow through my body. I was looking into my eyes, and I thought about all the time I wasted and looked to my idles (Bruce Lee, Yip Man, Dr. Dre, K-rino, Michael Jai White, Tech N9ne, Donny Yen, Miyamoto Musashi) and I thought about their journey. And what I noticed, is that they started their journey early, intensely, and consistently and they became outstanding, one of a kind. Either as a child or as a teenager, they accumulated experience early in a state where they were designed to absorb information most efficiently. That’s the advantage. I was 20 and I knew I still had time to start to elevate as a master craftsman. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I wanted to pass down to my children. That’s what I wanted my legacy to be about. And as I looked into the mirror, staring into the windows of my soul, I said “It’s now, or never”. And the scary thing was, as I said “never”, all of my dreams started to fade in front of me. I was terrified… and as a reaction, as if I was defending my life, the animal in came out and I said “ No, it’s now!” “ I don’t have to start fast, but I once I start I can never stop again” I said that with as much conviction that I could muster. I knew that if I didn’t start taking actions to change my behaviors now, that the future I spent days and night planning and dreaming will never come to fruition (Probably being a bit dramatic, but it was that energy that made the shift). But the most devastating realization was that if I didn’t at least try to pursue my future and fight for it, like truly fight it, then it would be my fault. And I wouldn’t be able to take myself seriously. This wasn’t about just following a dream. This was about mental health. About me securing my happiness. So I made a decision. I need to start the journey towards mastery. It was either going to be Martial Arts or Music. And if I needed to take anything serious right now, it had to be my body.

So the first thing I did was dissected what the requirements were for becoming a martial art master. And when I say master, I don’t take that word lightly. I look up to master’s for that exact reason and I understood the expectations that were necessary to make that happen. I took he image of who I wanted to become and reversed engineered his development. I had a long way to go and a shortened time to get there, so I put that into perspective. Where was I starting and how can I realistically get to that image. The first thing that came to my mind was being ripped, and I laughed, but most importantly I need to become athletic. The thing I didn’t believe I was. So then, I thought back to all the drills in football that were designed to make people athletic and Immediately I knew what I had to do. I needed to conquer my worst enemy. I needed to Run…. Oh boy, good ole running. And it’s not like I wasn’t familiar with it. The problem was I was too familiar. It has been the bane of my athletic career. Since we had those timed mile tests in middle school PE, or those pacer runs. Who remember those? Yeah I remember all to well. My asthma swelling up during football practice. Hot, sweaty, in pads, and your chest is on fire, yet you still have to make contact. It wasn’t for the weak minded, and I had a decently strong mind that got me through. I knew my weakness and I needed to conquer it. I scheduled a time for me to run everyday before I went to the gym. Then I tided up my shoes, and went to the soccer field that night. Never willing missed a day since. That was 6 years ago. That was my pivot point, where I decided that becoming a martial arts master was a non-negotiable. That night I was only able to run half the length of the soccer field. So I jogged and walked and jogged and walked, until I was able to run a full lap. Then that lap turned into two. Then two turned into a mile. And one mile to two, to four, to eight, to even eleven. And all I had to do was start that day. I knew that as long as I kept going, there was no way I couldn’t make progress. And that’s all I needed to do to sleep at night, make progress. It was that decision I made in the mirror that made it all possible. I was so real with myself, so honest, that I finally felt like I saw me. Like I spoke to my true self, and we had an understanding. That there was no way out. I wanted the image of my future self so bad that when I made that decision, that promise… tick… tick… tick… something clicked. What was once hard, was almost effortless. I didn’t turn back. All the stress and anxiety I held in released. I wasn’t scared of not making it happen. It was peaceful. Because I knew that as long as I kept pursuing the vision. Day after day, week after week, just by the basic laws of nature, even if I make a mistake and fall off, I pick myself up, jump right back on, and as long as I keep moving forward with intent and deliberation, there was no way I couldn’t make my dreams come true. The more I put myself under pressure, consistently, my life eventually has to adapt. What I understood from training with athletes is that anything could be conditioned. And that is exactly what I had to do. I had to condition myself to becoming the man I see in my head. So everything after that decision, everything that made me uncomfortable, became a requirement. I had a schedule and I made that schedule a requirement. I was going to turn myself into an athlete, because it was a requirement for me to become the martial art master I saw in my head. I needed to start making the same decisions that he would make. Have you ever thought about your future self and created the story that got him there? When I fell in love with a character (I’m a big anime fan), it wasn’t there abilities that drew me to them, it was there story and how they became that awesome. I reverse engineered my story until I was back in my current position, and me being the mathematical logical thinker I was, I calculated my success. So mathematically every day was needed. So when I found myself thinking those limiting thoughts, I’d literally use the equation to override my feelings. It’s not like I wanted to do everything, but if I didn’t do what I had to do, if I didn’t run my ass off, if I didn’t work on my agility, if I didn’t train my reaction, if I didn’t explore how my body moved, then i’d be taking away from my equation. So everything I hated to do was a requirement for me to get the results I wanted. And I understood that. That’s how I communicated to myself. So when I say that it was almost effortless, I didn’t care about how I felt, it was a mission, and if I at least went to the soccer field that day then I accomplished the mission. I didn’t have to be perfect, I just couldn’t stop. So the pressure was released. I forgave myself for my past failings and committed to the vision. I ran, and ran. I explored drills I hated in football. I mean literally, I asked myself, “what caused me the most trauma during football practice?” And when I found one I despised I said, “damn it, now I have to”. I mean I was doing agility drills, box jumps, burpees, pull ups (somewhat lol).

I remember when I thought of a punishment the lineman on our team had to do one day, for whatever reason, and we had to bear crawl across the football field. And I remember how hot and drooling it was. You could feel the heat from the turf, and to make it worse, we had to do 5 push ups every yard line. I was so unfit for it at the time, I couldn’t even complete it. I was wheezing, crying, panting, my shoulders were on fire, my hands were on fire, and by the end of it, it thought I was never going to do that again. I recalled that memory, that suffering, and I said, “damn, now I have to”. The next day I was on the soccer field. There was a baseball game going on that night. I remember the lights coming from the stadium and the “ding” from the ball hitting the bats. Cheering fans just to my left, that have no idea that I’m about to relive an event that has literally gave me nightmares. But I knew, that if I didn’t conquer this, I wasn’t taking myself seriously. I had to. I got on all fours, and one after another I stepped. Slowly but surely gaining grown. Remembering those memories and determined to prove to myself that I have grown. The smell of the grass was strong, and I was cold from the dew on the field. The attention away from me, I kept walking. Step after step, that’s all I needed. My thighs were burning, I mean really burning. But this was exactly what I wanted. I wanted this, I needed this. It wasn’t about my performance; it was about my willingness to challenge myself. I got a third threw and rested, then another quarter, then rested. and when I was towards the end, and I was completely wrecked, I saw the finish line. And no matter how much I wanted to stop and rest; my body didn’t let me. Something came over me. An emotion of pride and anger. Fire and determination rising in my chest. I was fighting to finish, and I wasn’t going to let myself stop. I remembered the younger me that couldn’t finish, and I saw through his eyes me now fighting to finish for him. It was crazy, but there was nothing in my system that would have excepted me stopping before I crossed that line. And I tell you… I was moving slooooowly. I mean it was ugly. Tears, snot, quivering muscles, heavy pants. But if you were to look into my eyes, you saw a tiger roaring back at you. When I crossed that line, I broke down and cried. I was having such a dramatic moment, and every else was watching baseball. It was so big for me. I chose, made the decision to make myself extraordinarily uncomfortable. And not only that, I outperformed my expectations and found a drive and hunger that I never thought I had.

There was a mentality shift. I saw myself becoming the martial artist. Dreams, didn’t feel like dreams anymore, but a responsibility. I remember I ran so hard and I was so proud, I would push the boundaries every week. You can imagine someone who use to wilt out the thought of running a lap around the track, is now running 6, 7, 8 miles. I’d see how far I could really go. And I got up to eleven miles and I was crazy excited. I didn’t realize how bad my ankle was hurting. Usually it did and I’d give it a day off. I alternated my long distance days with sprints and agility. So, the next day, after I ran eleven miles, I warmed up a little slower and longer to give my ankle a chance to loosen up. Still a little tight, I did some warm up sprints and felt decent. Now I was really about to get after it. I learned up to go all out, and I remember thinking, maybe I should give my legs a break. Disregarding that thought, I burst full speed and within a few steps I felt a sharp pain in my ankle and I knew I went too far. It wasn’t super painful but I knew enough about my body to know that wasn’t good. And looking back now, I probably tour something, because it took about a year and a half before I was able to comfortable move on it. But at the time I thought it was take a couple of weeks. But as I was limping off the field, i was approaching a fork in the road. To my left was my dorm room, where I would have normally gone, and to my right was the gym. I knew something was different when there wasn’t even a hesitation. I immediately adjusted the plan, and said “God blessed me with a day to do upper body”. That was when I truly felt like I was in it. On my journey. I took that mentality back home during the breaks. I didn’t have the convenience of the gym where I stayed in Long Beach, but I knew the park a couple miles away had one. Usually inconvenience was my excuse not to chase my dreams, but now inconvenience is what’s creating my story. I ran along the beach to the park and created a variety of routines. It was clock work. When I made the commitment in the mirror, it caused me to make decisions that has placed me exactly where I need to be. This is the craziest story… My friend group in college was made up of 4 guys that loved anime and martial arts. My friend Maurice was showing us videos of a guy who was teaching the authentic form of Kipura, mispronounced Capoeira. His lineage has studied the art from the Angola region of Afrika. Everything he said was so profound and practical, and he seemed like the guy for us. Like every martial student’s dream, we deemed him our mentor. Just from the videos. I asked Maurice where this guy was from, and he said, “I don’t know mane, I think Washington State” I was like dope, one day we’ll go to Washington to visit this guy and learn all of his information. Because what he was saying and doing seemed masterful, and I wanted that. When I went back to Long Beach, I immediately started my routine. Run on the beach, hit the park, work out, and run back. I didn’t miss a day. The process was actually quite spiritual for me. I discovered amazing things about myself everyday. And I was so committed to the mission, I woke up later than expected and pushed backed the time I was going to run. I considered cancelling that day, but I fought my inner voice and argued, “Even if I just run there and back, that would be enough”. So, I strapped up my shoes and went on the trail. Honestly at this point, I still didn’t like running. It still hurt and was uber uncomfortable. Like I questioned the choice to run every time. But I kept moving forward and did what I set out to do. When I got to the park, I convinced my self to do a little 30 min workout. An hour and a half later, I finished shadow boxing and I was on my way out. Before I could leave, a guy ran up to me and said, “Hey man, I saw what you were doing. Was that Muay Thai”. And I smiled and said “somewhat”. He laughed and said he had pads with him and he would hold for me. I was already tired and fatigue, but when god gives you a blessing, you say thank you and accept. And you live through that experience. I was so nervous. I haven’t hit pads since I did boxing for a few months in middle school. But I was confident enough in my preparation that went all in and absorbed that moment. He coached me well and I learned a lot. His name was Mike and I will never forget his assistance. He made my day, and if I hadn’t had got out and ran my route, I never would’ve had that opportunity. After that encounter, I was beaming. Cheek to cheek. Lit up like a buld. So much so, I decided to be different and take another route home. The park I was at, has 3 sections and I usually train on the section closet to the beach. I went into the park and out the other way. And I was walking, thinking about the odds it would be for me to find a martial art master in this park. Just any day, I walk and find my Jiraiya (for those who are Naruto fans). Has anybody here just wished to find their master just strolling your way home? Well I has having that thought, until I saw a man doing a strange push up. A style of pushup I’ve only seen in one moment. Similar to the pushups, the martial art master that Maurice showed me from Washington was doing. It was so distinctive, that whether it was him or not, I was certain that he had a level of master in something that I wanted. I walk closer to him, mustering up the courage to approach. And as I drew closer, he saw me and sprung right up to his feet. And it was as if the moment he opened his mouth, I knew exactly who he was. “Hey Brutha!! How are you doing?!” It was the guy from the videos Maurice showed me. Coach Ras, from the ataxc gym fighting system. It was absolutely mind blowing. How in the world did I happen to find a man who’s suppose to be in Washington State on a random park in Long Beach, Ca? I mean, the odds, of us meeting at the exact same time. I was so excited I called Maurice immediately and got him on the phone. “Yooo! What’s my guy?” “Hey bro, you are never going to guess who I ran into” “Who?” “remember those videos of that guy teaching Kipura at the parks? You showed me before the semester ended” He was like “yeah! That guy was awesome right?” and I was like” well guess, who I’m with now” ……. “No……”….. Ras interjects and says “Hey brutha, how are you doing this wonderful day?” and we just hear him go crazy! “Noway! How in the World?” It was a mystery to all of us. But one thing I knew, is that one decision to grit out the run, stay for the workout, which lead me to hold pads with Mike, which then lead me to having one of the most enlightening conversations of my life. And a chance to meet a great friend that I’m still connected with today. I ended up training with Coach Ras a few times and helped him with a few of his videos. It was as if my conviction when I looked into that mirror signaled a series of events to happen that lead me to opportunities of growth. Like my path started to align with my intention. Some might call it positive attraction, but I call it my experience. I couldn’t count the amount of coincidences that has taken place put me in the right place at the right time. All because of one decision. The decision where I bet it all on myself.

I was so serious that some of the staff at the school wanted me to run workouts, and I ended training a group of us, coming up with work outs that was designed for specific functions. I was coined the name “Tiger Blood” by Ms. Santiago, the cultural events director at the school. And I wasn’t even a personal trainer. I was an accounting major, with a failed football career as a background. I graduated from undergrad, flew back home and found a grad program and a job. And the only thing I couldn’t wait for was my second paycheck so I could join a martial arts school. I researched around, the most convenient spot that will fit best with my schedule. I settled on the Elite Training Center in Redondo Beach. They had everything I wanted; Krav Maga, Muay Thai, BJJ, MMA, Silat, Kali, and LOTAR. I was hooked. I got my first paycheck and went directly to the school and signed up. That was the decision the cemented my journey. I hope you can see a pattern. My first decision of conviction, lead to another decision, which lead to another decision, which all aligned with my over all goal. Because of this decision, I ended up losing over 80lbs, I’ve become more athletic than I’ve ever been in my life, I got the opportunity to train in Thailand, and I’m becoming an instructor that can really help people. This approach and mentality blead into other areas of my life. This is how I conquered my biggest challenge and passed my CPA process. This is how I started my music journey and truly worked on my musical capabilities. This is how I approached my ability to speak and convey emotions. This is now how I approach anything I want to develop in my life. I visualize the me that has mastered it already, reverse engineer the development, and start executing. As I make decisions, the plan develops naturally, and eventually I create a routine that’s suited towards my development. And the routine will sculpt me into the image I see. When I made the decision to never look back. When I said it was “Now or Never”…. “No it’s now”… I didn’t know I was going to end up at a gym that would take me in as family, that would challenge me and believe in me, I didn’t know I would eventually find the most unique and capable coaches on the face of the planet. I didn’t know that they would give me the responsibility to pass on their information. But every time I had the opportunity to step up, I did. Because with every step forward, is a step towards my future me.

I went from being scared to ride to football practice, to training in camps ran by a military contractor. I carry that mentality now, and every day I grow, I grow in something. If it wasn’t for that moment, the moment where I saw it all disappear, I never would have made the decision that saved my life. The decision that lead me down the path of never ending growth. The path to squeeze my potential dry. Now I’m in a position to facilitate that mentality in other people. Not to be a go getter and hit the gym hard, but to start taking themselves and their lives seriously. When I was standing there listening to Laun use her voice. Honestly, it sounded like a mouse squeak. A mouse squeak in a sea of lion roars. But it was that mouse squeak that shattered the atmosphere. That transported me back to the time where I was sniffing grass, huffing and puffing, breakdown down every wall I built for myself. What I saw in Laun that day, was a woman who no longer believed she was to small or to weak to defend herself. She opened herself up to the possibility of becoming successful. She was tired and vulnerable, but like I, crossing the 100 yard line on the soccer field, tapped into the greatest parts of herself, and dug deeper than ever before. she started to take herself seriously. And that’s everything to me as an instructor. As an instructor, I get the privilege of sharing information and teaching self defense, hoping one day (a day that I pray will never come) the information I teach them will keep them alive. but most importantly, I’m fortunate enough to witness transformation. It’s magical. To see a student come in unsure, lacking confidence, morph into a confident and strong individual. Posture up and walking with certainty. It’s a sight to see and it’s amazing. I’m a conduit for human development. And I think we all are once we take on the responsibility of the role. We are all creating our story, and it’s through our stories, we can fill the gap in someone else’s. Remember your soul is the beacon towards your destiny. And you might get lost, stumble, trip and fall; but as long as you get up and keep following your heart, you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for. Let it guide you to your future. Let’s show the future generations what it means to shine bright and let your passion lead the way. Walk wit Love, Grace, and a Smile on your face; and I’ll see you on the other side. Peace!